My restless brain

My friends give me a hard time because I can’t ever just be still. I am always multi-tasking. I have become really good at it. 

If I am driving, I am talking on the phone or putting on make-up or both. If I am watching television, I am on the computer. If I am working a crossword puzzle, I am listening to music on my iPod. I just can’t stop. It’s like my mind has to be in overload all of the time. 

I hate going to movie theaters. Two hours of sitting still drives me insane. The only time I seem to be able to settle my brain is when I am reading, and for me to really concentrate on the book, it has to be really good. All of my friends and family tell me that I am addicted to my Blackberry, “Crackberry,”and it’s true, I am. 

I always feel like I need to be connected. I just can’t shut the world out. I can’t shut my mind off. I try to go to Adoration and I am absolutely miserable. I can’t spend more than 15 minutes in silent prayer. That’s pretty pathetic, right? 

When I’m there, I start watching everyone else in the chapel. What are they praying about? How they can sit and be so still for so long? What are they doing after this? Have I seen them at Mass before?  I mean, it is terrible! I guess I have always been that way. 

If I think about it though, my multi-tasking has worsened since leaving Planned Parenthood. It’s probably partly because my life has become busier than it was before, even though I didn’t think it was possible. But, yes, it is also probably because if I don’t have a lot on my mind, my thoughts wander back to my days at Planned Parenthood. 

Quite honestly, I try to think of my time there as little as possible. Even when I don’t want to think about it, I find it difficult to shut it out of my mind completely. 

I love the nights when I have dreamless sleep. Those nights don’t come very often. I used to dream about silly things such as going on vacations, inanimate objects that would come to life, replay scenes from when I was younger, etc. I would welcome dreams like that. 

There is nothing silly about my dreams anymore. Now, when I dream, I dream about my time at Planned Parenthood. I dream about the things I witnessed there, the things I said, the things I heard. I dream about former co-workers nearly every night. 

There are times where my dreams aren’t too stressful. I might be back working at the clinic; in these dreams, I am working there but really struggling because I am pro-life, but working in an abortion clinic. Sometimes, I dream about being back in court and watching my friends testify against me. In these dreams, sometimes, I get to actually take the stand and testify against Planned Parenthood. Those dreams become very emotional. 

Then there are others. Many that I wouldn’t even be able to speak about to the general public. They are so disgustingly graphic and horrifying. When I wake up from those dreams, I can’t even believe that my brain produced such a thing. Sometimes I have dreams where I am working in the POC lab and we are short twenty five cents. 

We all start frantically looking for that quarter. I look over to my left and there is the bucket of “POC” or baby parts that we have disposed of throughout the day and wonder if maybe the quarter got dropped in the bucket. Then, I am told to start searching in the bucket. 

I keep digging through these babies to find the missing quarter. That seems totally bizarre and disgusting, right? Trust me, that’s mild. Sometimes I dream about baby parts being placed in the offering plate at church. 

I know there are psychological explanations for all of my dreams. It makes sense that I would dream about searching for money in a bucket of baby parts since Planned Parenthood is making money off the killing of these children. 

It makes sense that I would dream about baby parts being in the church offering plate because I’m always talking about churches not taking a stand against abortion, but these dreams aren’t normal for most people. Most people don’t dream about aborted babies, but some of us do. 

I remember when I first left Planned Parenthood, I dreaded sleep. I would feel more exhausted after waking up because my dreams were so terrifying. It felt like I had been racing around all night during my sleep. Eventually, it became better and I was able to deal with the dreams more effectively, and they did lessen somewhat. 

I knew anxiety would be something I would have to endure. I didn’t know how I would react when I saw people I used to work with or how would they react to me. What if I saw a client? What if I saw a client that I had coerced into an abortion? What would she say to me? What would I say to her? 

All of these things were constantly racing through my mind until, eventually, I was faced with all of those scenarios. I have been faced with many of my former co-workers, sometimes when I am sidewalk counseling, other times when I’m out in public places. 

I simply greet them like we are still friends. After all, my problem is not with them. I have seen women that were frequent clients of Planned Parenthood. All of them were aware that I left because they saw my commercial on television. It was great to see them again. I don’t know why I was anxious about that at all. 

And, yes, I have seen women that I coerced into abortions. I didn’t know how I would face them. I wasn’t sure if I had the courage, but in the end, I knew they deserved it. Even if they wanted to slap my face or scream at me for what I had done to them, they deserved that chance.  However, that never happened. 

I simply looked at them and said that “I was wrong and I’m so sorry.” It was better than I ever expected. Now, I’m not worried about who I will encounter. I know that whomever or whatever it is, God is in control, He allows whatever is going to happen. He has been in control since the day I walked out of Planned Parenthood. 

Some of you may be reading these posts and say to yourself, ‘that girl needs healing!’ But, trust me, I am doing great. I don’t need any more healing than I am already receiving, and yes, I am in good hands. 

When you walk away from such a horrible sin, there is no escaping it. You want to avoid it and you try to, but it just tags along. Yes, those of us who have worked in the abortion industry are forgiven, if we ask. And I have, as much as I am able to, forgiven myself.

However, I won’t ever let myself off the hook entirely. I can’t. I can’t just allow myself to go on with life and act like I wasn’t responsible for taking so many lives. Maybe that’s why the dreams are there, so I won’t forget. 

No matter the reason, I am thankful for these visions in my sleep. Yes, it would be nice to have a few additional nights of dreamless sleep every month, but I am not complaining. I wake up from these dreams reminded of the second chance I have been given. 

I wake up and immediately say a prayer for my former co-workers, who are always in my dreams, when I dream. I wake up thankful that I am no longer bound by evil. Many would think these are nightmares. I think that, in part, God is using these images and scenes as a tool to keep me close to Him, so I will never forget what I left, and how amazingly blessed I am. 

Praise be to God for the reminder.