My restless brain...

My friends give me hard time because I can’t just ever be still.  I am always multi-tasking.  I have become really good at it.  If I am driving, I am talking on the phone, or putting on make-up, or both.  If I am watching television, I am on the computer.  If I am working a crossword puzzle, I am listening to music on my ipod.  I just can’t stop.  It’s like my mind has to be in overload all of the time.  I hate going to movie theaters…2 hours of sitting still drives me insane.  The only time I seem to be able to settle my brain is when I am reading.  And for me to really concentrate on the book, it has to be really good.  All of my friends and family say that I am addicted to my Blackberry (crackberry)…and I am.  I always feel like I need to be connected.  I just can’t shut the world out…I can’t shut my mind off.  I try to go to Adoration and I am absolutely miserable.  I can’t spend more than 15 minutes in silent prayer. Pretty pathetic, huh?  I start watching everyone else in the chapel.  What are they praying about?  How they can sit and be so still for so long?  What are they doing after this?  Have I seen them at Mass before?  I mean, it is terrible!  I guess I have always been that way.  Although, I think since I left Planned Parenthood, my multi-tasking has gotten worse.  It is probably in part because even though I didn’t think it was possible, my life has gotten even busier than it was before.  But, yes, it is also probably because if I don’t have a lot on my mind, my thoughts wander back to my days at Planned Parenthood.  And honestly, I try to think of my time there at little as possible.  But even when I don’t want to think about it, my mind still won’t shut it out. 

I love the nights when I have dreamless sleep.  Those nights don’t come very often.  I used to dream about silly things; going on vacations, inanimate objects that would come to life, replay scenes from when I was younger, etc.  I would welcome dreams like that.  There is nothing silly about my dreams anymore.  Now I dream about my time at Planned Parenthood.  I dream about the things I saw there, the things I said, the things I heard. I dream about former co-workers every night.  Sometimes the dreams aren’t too stressful.  I might be back working at the clinic: in these dreams, I am working there but really struggling because I am pro-life but working in an abortion clinic.  Sometimes I dream about being back in court and watching my friends testify against me.  Sometimes in these dreams I get to actually take the stand and testify against Planned Parenthood.  Those dreams become very emotional. 

Then there are others.  Many that I wouldn’t even be able to speak about to the general public.  They are so gory and disgusting…when I wake up, I can’t even believe that my brain produced such a thing.  Sometimes I have dreams where I am working in the POC lab and we are short twenty five cents.  We all start frantically looking for that quarter.  I look over to my left and there is the bucket of “POC” or baby parts that we have disposed of throughout the day and wonder if maybe the quarter got dropped in the bucket.  I am then told to start searching in the bucket.  I keep digging through these babies to find the missing quarter.  That seems totally bizarre and disgusting, right? Trust me, that is mild.  Sometimes I dream about baby parts being placed in the offering plate at church. 

I know there are psychological explanations for all of my dreams.  Of course I would dream about searching for money in a bucket of baby parts…Planned Parenthood is making money off the killing of these children.  Of course I would dream about baby parts being in the church offering plate…I always talk about churches not taking a stand against abortion.  But these dreams aren’t normal for most people.  Most people don’t dream about aborted babies.  But some of us do. 

I remember when I first left Planned Parenthood, I hated going to sleep.  I would feel more exhausted after waking up because my dreams were so terrifying…I felt like I was up racing around all night in my sleep.  Eventually, they got better and I was able to deal with the dreams more effectively and they did lessen a little bit. 

Anxiety is something I knew I would have to deal with.  I didn’t know how I would react when I saw people I used to work with.  How would they react to me?  What if I saw a client?  What if I saw a client that I had coerced into an abortion?  What would she say to me?  What would I say to her?  All of these things were constantly going through my mind until, eventually, I was faced with all of those scenarios.  I have been faced with many of my former co-workers…sometimes when I am out sidewalk counseling; sometimes when I am out in public places.  I simply greet them like we are still friends.  After all, my problem is not with them.  I have seen women that were frequent clients of Planned Parenthood.  They all knew I had left because they saw my commercial on TV.  It was great to see them again.  I don’t know why I was anxious about that at all.  And, yes, I have seen women that I coerced into abortions.  I didn’t know how I would face them.  I wasn’t sure if I had the courage.  But in the end, I knew they deserved it.  Even if they wanted to slap my face or scream at me for what I had done to them, they deserved that chance.  But, that didn’t happen.  I simply looked at them and said that “I was wrong and I’m so sorry.” It was better than I ever expected.  Now I don’t worry about who I will encounter.  I know that whoever or whatever it is, God is in control.  He has been in control since the day I walked out of Planned Parenthood. 

Some of you may be reading these posts and say to yourself, ‘that girl needs healing!’ But trust me, I am doing great.  I don’t need any more healing than I am already receiving…and yes, I am in good hands. 

When you leave such a horrible sin behind, there is no escaping it.  You want to and you try to, but it just tags along.  Yes, those of us who have worked in the abortion industry are forgiven if we ask.  And I have, as much as I can, forgiven myself…I won’t ever let myself off the hook entirely.  I can’t.  I can’t just allow myself to go on with life and act like I wasn’t responsible for taking so many lives.  And maybe that’s why the dreams are there…so I won’t forget. 

No matter the reason, I am thankful for these visions in my sleep.  Yes, it would be nice to have a few additional nights of dreamless sleep every month, but I am not complaining.  I wake up from these dreams reminded of the second chance I have been given.  I wake up and immediately say a prayer for my former co-workers (who are always in my dream).  I wake up thankful that I am no longer bound by evil.  Many would think these are nightmares.  I think that, in part, God is using these images and scenes as a tool to keep me close to Him, so I will never forget what I left…and how amazingly lucky I am.  Thank you God for the reminder.