My empty uterus

Right now, my uterus is empty, but it hasn’t always been empty. It has been full of life three times. However, I have only given birth once. I have aborted two of my own children. 

I didn’t think long and hard about the decision to abort my children. I wish I could say I did, but that would be a lie. I wonder if my first child was a boy or a girl. What about my second? My daughter talks about having brothers, could she be talking about the children I have aborted?

I hope that when I meet God in heaven, He will grant me the opportunity to see my two children, to hold them for the first time, to be their mother. I don’t deserve that opportunity, but I pray that God will show me mercy and allow me just a few moments with them. 

I thought it would be easy. I thought I would never think about them again. I thought I would always be proud of my decision to choose abortion. I used to be proud of my abortions. I thought I was exercising my “right to choose.” 

I didn’t see that I had killed my children. I wasn’t able to see that. If I had seen it, then I would’ve been forced to own up to the truth. It would force me to admit my mistake. 

I look at my 4 year old daughter now and wonder if my children would have looked like her. I wonder if they would have been stubborn like me. I don’t know. That’s something I won’t ever know. How many chances to say, “I love you” have I missed?  How many good night kisses have been lost because of my decision? How many people have been hurt because of my choice?

My parents didn’t know until it was too late. That wasn’t fair. The rest of my family didn’t know. My friends didn’t know. I never gave anyone a chance to help me, to give me sound counsel. At the time, I didn’t want it. I must have thought I knew what was best, but honestly, I don’t remember much about it at all. 

I had my first abortion when I was 20 years old, only 10 years ago, but it feels like it was 50 years ago. That memory is so foggy. I try so hard to remember that day. I want to remember. How old was my baby? What was the name of the clinic? What did the doctor look like? What did the nurse’s face look like?  How long was I there? Did I talk to the other girls who were waiting to have an abortion? 

I just don’t seem to be able to remember any of it. Is God protecting me from that memory?  I wish He wouldn’t. I want to remember. All I seem to be able to recall is how easy it was. It shouldn't be so easy to kill your child. 

My second abortion was not so easy, but it didn’t convince me that abortion was wrong; it just convinced me that MEDICATION abortion was wrong. I was a strong advocate for all women choosing surgical abortion over medication abortion. It actually became a joke in my clinic. Abortion became a joke… disgusting. 

When I became pregnant with Grace, it was unplanned. I was not excited. After all, I was on birth control. It wasn’t supposed to happen. My friends in the clinic said I “had options.” However, there were no options for me. I was going to have a baby, planned or unplanned, money or no money. 

When I look back, I am so happy I didn’t listen to those “friends.” I don’t know how I could live without my daughter. She means everything to me, but as I say that, I realize that I am living without two of my other children. What a selfish life I have lived. 

After giving birth to Grace, I immediately had a Mirena IUD inserted. Why not? We inserted them on women every day. They seemed harmless. Everyone was getting one. I should get one too. I didn’t know how harmful that little piece of plastic would be. I know now. 

Four years later and my uterus is still empty.  Now, it’s not by choice, but because of my choices. It’s because of the time when I was’nt open to life. Back when I thought children were a burden. When I thought having too many children would be a hassle. When I thought we wouldn’t have enough money to have more children. 

All of these excuses have led to my daughter growing up as an only child. At this point in my life, I’m not able to have children. I never thought I would have a problem getting pregnant. After all, I got pregnant with two children that I disposed of like trash. 

Now, at a time when I want to have children, now open to life, I am unable to. What a horrible irony, but one that, in all honesty, I deserve. 

I don’t know what God’s plans are for my life regarding motherhood. I do know that my husband and I are going to adopt children from the foster care system. Maybe that was His plan all along. We never know what God has in store for our lives, but I am thankful for the life that I have now. I am thankful for my husband and my daughter. 

I have confidence that one day I will get to see my children again, even if just for a brief moment. I know they are with Christ. He created them, he saved them from me. 

It is beautiful to know that God has forgiven me, even for something so terrible. When I made the decision to start healing from my abortions, I knew I had to make a decision. I could either live in the past or live for right now. 

One of my daughter’s favorite movies is “Kung Fu Panda.” In the movie, there is a wise old turtle that says something that has always stuck with me, I know, wisdom from a cartoon. He says something like, “Today is called the present because it is a gift.”  I really believe that. 

I sincerely think that evil lives in our past and in our future, the two places we cannot control. God doesn’t worry about those two periods of time. He wants us to wake up every day and live for Him, moment by moment, day by day. I trust in that. I trust in God’s plan for my life. 

I don’t know if I will have any more children of my own. I don’t pray for children, I only pray for God’s will to be done.