I get asked this question a lot. Am I really pro-life? Am I against abortion in all circumstances? Yes. Do I believe there are any exceptions for abortion? No. Do you want to make abortion illegal? Yes. But for me, it doesn’t stop there. Being “pro-life” means standing up for ALL life…valuing ALL life.

I am not one for labels, but in this case, I think they are important. I am pro-life. I believe in the protection of all life. I am against abortion, euthanasia, and the death penalty. I am pro-quality of life. I believe all children deserve quality health care. I don’t believe in reducing assistance benefits for those who are disabled or who have special needs. I am not simply anti-abortion. I abhor clinic violence. I have a genuine urgency to see every clinic worker and abortionist turn away from abortion. I do not believe harassment, violence, threats, or anything of the sort is the way we are to behave in this movement. Abortion is bad because is a terrible act of violence. Violence begets violence. If we simply turn to violence, we are no better than the abortionists themselves. I am not just pro-birth. I believe in supporting a woman during AND after pregnancy. It’s not just about “saving” the baby. It is about empowering the mother as well. I am not against abortion because it takes an innocent life…I am against abortion because it takes a life. Innocence has nothing to do with it. They lives are not more valuable because they are innocent. They will not always be innocent…but their lives will still hold the same value. I think people use this whole “innocent” argument so they can justify the death penalty. But, I always say, if you have to justify something, it is probably wrong. When the death penalty is imposed, innocent people die. That has happened over and over again. Why? Because people are flawed. Only God should give and take life…that is the exact argument we give when we discuss abortion. I could go on and on about the death penalty…but that isn’t the point of this post. Maybe I will do that another time.

I recently talked to a woman who runs a group that assists women AFTER they have their baby. Being pro-life is not just about assisting a woman during her pregnancy…it is helping her after the baby is born, too. If we are only interested in her giving birth to her child, then we need to simply consider ourselves pro-birth. If we are truly pro-life, then the woman’s needs continue far after her child is born. Many pregnancy centers will assist the new mother will material support and even classes…but many times that is not enough. We need these moms to be self-sufficient, off government programs, skilled for jobs, educated, and able to stand on their own…and support a child. This is exactly what I discussed with the lovely women who run Teen Mother Choices International. We talked about the necessity of self-sufficiency for these moms. Almost all of their new moms rely on some sort of government assistance when they enter the program…this can be such a dangerous cycle. I honestly never had a really clear way to describe my feelings about governmental help until I talked about it with these women. It’s not about the money for me or taxes. I want people to get the help they need…no matter the monetary cost for me. But I knew there was something else that bothered me…I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

Scripture says the church is to care for the widows and orphans. Society has redefined the word “widow” to mean a woman whose husband has died. But the actual definition is a woman without a husband. There are many widows in our country…and the church is instructed to care for them. Many of these widows have children. These government programs have simply allowed the Church to ignore their duties and responsibilities. We have allowed the government to take care of these women (and do a poor job of it) instead of following our command to care for them. Now looked what has happened. We have cycles of poverty…women and children living in dangerous neighborhoods because they rely on this minimal standard of living…families who are uninsured…children who don’t have enough to eat. And, why? Because we haven’t done our jobs.

TMCI is changing that…and it is so beautiful to see. They are setting up support communities inside churches to help young mothers stop this cycle. The success is phenomenal. They have had hundreds of girls go through their program…they get them job training, take care of their medical needs by people in the church, help with childcare, help with education…and they do it with no government assistance. In fact, almost all of the young women who go through their program come out with stable jobs, education and training they need, parenting skills, money in savings accounts, medical care, and a church community they are a part of and thriving in…all without the use of government assistance. This is a model we should all be using and duplicating. I am so impressed by the work they are doing. I encourage you to look at their website. If you are a pregnancy center, they can come and help you. You can use their program. They will come in to your center and help you make this happen. It will totally change your center…and you clients. Please go to their website and check them out, www.tmcint.org.

The pro-life movement needs to be about collaboration; working together, finding out who does what best…we can’t all be the best at everything. TMCI is the very best at helping these young women get on their feet after they become mothers. We don’t want these young women to end up pregnant again within the next year after having a baby. The sad thing is that the statistics are not in their favor, unless they get the skills, support and training that they need. Let’s help them.

Are we pro-life, anti-abortion, pro-birth…I hope you are pro-life. I hope your concern for this movement doesn’t stop once the child is born. Let’s make a difference for the FUTURE and help break this cycle. Go check out TMCI and find out how you can get involved. Honestly, I am not a person who is easily impressed…but these women with TMCI have completely blown me away with their method…and the results speak for themselves. Maybe you can bring TMCI to your community…to your pregnancy center…to your church. You won’t be disappointed.

Sometimes memories creep into my mind from my days inside Planned Parenthood. When they do, I try to document them. I don’t always share them…some of them I just won’t ever be able to share with you. Some of them are things most of you wouldn’t want to know. But some of them I can’t wait to share…this is one of those memories.

Most of the time, there is no communication between an abortionist and a woman having an abortion. None. Usually, the doctor comes in without introducing himself, mask on his face, sits on a stool, performs the procedure, and walks out without saying a word to the woman on the table. We never had any complaints. I guess women don’t expect the doctor who will take the life of their child to have wonderful bedside manner.

About 3 months before I left Planned Parenthood, we had a young woman in the clinic who I had counseled before her abortion. She was very noticeably upset about having an abortion. I questioned her and encouraged her to go home and think about her decision. She was insistent…this abortion must happen today. This is what she wanted. She was just emotional, she said. She asked if I would be in the room with her to hold her hand during the procedure. I was happy to do that for people I counseled…especially those that were nervous or upset. We got her in the room, I sat down beside her, got her blood pressure cuff on, and the sedation was given. But the sedation didn’t make much difference. She cried even harder. So hard she was shaking and her body was moving off the table. The doctor entered the room in the usual manner. He was about to sit down on his stool and realized she was very upset. Then he did something that left me speechless. He walked over to her and stood next to my chair. He took her hand and began talking to her. “Why the tears?” he said. “I just feel really guilty about doing this,” she responded. He asked her why she felt guilty. She said, “Because I just know this is a sin.” He paused for a minute and looked at her…he was looking at her so carefully…so cautiously…I had never seen one of our doctors treat a patient like this before. He smiled gently at her and said, “No. It is not your sin. It is mine. I will take on your sin. I commit the sin. Not you.” He patted her hand, walked back to his stool and sat down. Her crying stopped. It was bizarre. Did he really think he was committing a sin? How could he do it if he really thought that? Did he think he was taking on the sins of these women by helping them obtain abortions? What a heavy burden to bear. It was hard for me to process…it still is.

I remember working at the clinic and thinking that if I died while I worked there, I would probably go to hell. I thought at the time that it would be worth it. I couldn’t imagine not working at Planned Parenthood. I did think that it was God’s will that I be there in the first place. I was so unsure of who God was or what His “will” actually meant…I was completely misdirected.

But this doctor was different. If he really believed what he said, he was intentionally taking on the sins of these women. Why would he do that? Why would he want to? I won’t ever know the answer to these questions, but I do know that sin doesn’t work that way. He can’t be the scapegoat for these women. They are both guilty of sin…the woman and the doctor. Both equally guilty. Both equally forgiven, if they repent, and turn to Christ. Some of you may think the abortionists hold more guilt than the mother. I would disagree. I do not believe women are “victims” to abortion. I have had two abortions. I was not a victim. I was a perpetrator. My children were victims. Women who are coerced to have abortions still have a choice. They still make that final decision. The final “choice” is up to them. They choose to take the life of their child. Their child is the victim. If these women weren’t at the abortion clinics…if these women were able to look at the value of the life they are carrying in their womb…if they could see beyond their current discomforts and look at the whole picture, we wouldn’t have women choosing abortion. Then we would have no need to abortionists. Or, visa versa. It has become a cycle. One person needs the other. They are both equally guilty. Neither are victims. Neither are inhuman. Neither are “lost souls.” Neither deserve hate. Both are God’s children.

Wouldn’t it be easy if we could pass our sins on to someone else? I mean, we are sinful people. We don’t even like to think about just how sinful. So, instead of thinking about our sins, we usually focus on everyone else’s. Did you see what she wore to church…do you know what kind of music he listens to…did you hear what came out of her mouth…do you know what he did last weekend…and so it goes. We are so concerned about the sins of others, we fail to remember that we are also sinners.

I frequently hear people say things like, “Shame on those abortion clinic workers. How can they do that to those poor little babies?” Or, “Shame on those abortionists. There will be a special place in hell for them.” Even, “Shame on those women who have abortions. They are the most selfish women ever.” You know what?? SHAME ON US.

Dr. Bernard Nathanson often talked about the strategy that was used when they founded NARAL. Dr. Nathanson said they just needed the Christian churches to stay silent on the issue of abortion. The abortion groups just needed the churches to silently buy in, in a sense, to legalized abortion. That’s exactly what happened. We look at statistics and see that over 70% of women who choose abortion are Christians…and please don’t give me the “well, they say they are Christians” attitude. No. These are women who go to church…who sit in Bible studies…who attend Mass…who lead praise and worship groups…daughters of pastors…wives of deacons…you name it, they are having abortions. Why would these women have abortions? Don’t they know it is wrong? Sure they do. Why do we all sin? Why do you sin? We justify it. We rationalize it. We think we just HAVE to. We make sense of it. And are we talking about it? Nope, not really. I go around the world talking to pro-lifers and asking them about abortion and the Church. Everyone has a pretty similar response…the church isn’t talking about it. Sure, I will find a church every once in a while where the clergy bring it up in church, or they actually have a ministry for single moms…I am always shocked and elated! I am shocked because it is SO uncommon.

Why don’t we want to talk about abortion? We have groups for everything in churches! Grief, beginning yoga, quit drinking, quilting, orchestra, quit smoking, low impact aerobics, how to deal with a problem kid, groups for homeschooling parents, divorce, how to manage your money, detailed studies on every single book of the Bible, five hundred Beth Moore studies, knitting for beginners, weight loss…I’m telling you…you want it, you can find it at your local church. Well, unless you are in a crisis pregnancy or are suffering from a previous abortion. Oh, no ma’am. We don’t talk about THAT in church!!! But if you would like to come meditate with us in yoga, we would love to have you on Tuesdays at 9am. One in three women have abortions in this country, over 70% are Christian, but we won’t talk about it. Yeah, shame on us.

What are we waiting for? Are we waiting for permission from God? Well, we have it. We have it in the Scriptures. Check. Are we waiting for permission from our clergy? I hate to tell you this, but while you wait, babies are dying. We don’t need permission from the clergy to make things happen at our churches. Women in your church right NOW are suffering and hurting. Families in your church are suffering right NOW from the devastating effects of abortion. But we wait?? For what? You can make something happen. Start a small group at your house and advertise it to the women in your church. Connect with your local pregnancy center and put a table with all of their brochures and information at the back of your church. Ask to put a small ad about your local pregnancy center in the bulletin every week. Start bringing it up to your friends at church. Hold a screening of a pro-life movie like Bella or Blood Money at your church. Start a 40 Days for Life and get the people in your church involved. Start making some noise!! Get uncomfortable! Make other people uncomfortable!! The people who are uncomfortable are the ones who need to hear it the most. Don’t wait for someone else’s permission to do the right thing!! It is always the right time to stand up for life! Now is the time! Someone in your church is waiting for you to step out of your box and shake things up. You won’t be alone. We are never alone when we stand up for Christ and follow His teachings. These moms and babies deserve to hear our voices…and we should be loud. In the end, we will not be able to pass our sins and apathy off on someone else. We will be accountable. We will say, no, these are not their sins…they are mine. There is no scapegoat.

I get sent a lot of hate mail from pro-lifers…yes, I said pro-lifers. I don’t support the “right” legislation. I don’t say quite the right things. I don’t mention the right groups. I don’t give enough credit to certain people. I’m not “pro-life” enough. I’m too young to know what I’m talking about. I’m just doing all of this for the money. And so on and so on. The messages can get quite ugly. Sometimes it is hard to believe they are from people who call themselves pro-life, much less Christian…but, unfortunately, they do. When I first started receiving these messages, I was shocked…and sad. I had done the right thing, right? I had crossed over to the right side, right? So, why were some people treating me like I was still doing something wrong? Did they want me to go back to Planned Parenthood? Were they sorry that I had left and was now pro-life? Did they not want clinic workers to leave?

I eventually got to the point where the messages didn’t bother me. I had gotten so many; they all started to look the same. Every once in a while, I would get one that was shocking…but it didn’t happen that often. But one has stuck with me. I think about it often. It didn’t actually come in the form of a message. It was a post about me on a discussion board. A friend of mine had told me some people were discussing my story and I should go check it out and comment. Their discussion had quickly turned from my story and had moved on to something entirely different. One woman started talking about how frightened she would be if she ever saw me around her children. The others started chiming in. They were all going on about how terrifying it would be to see me holding a baby…that the baby’s life would certainly be in danger because of my past. I should definitely never be allowed to be alone with a child…you never know what I would do if I’m not supervised. I simply can’t be trusted. I once killed children. I could do it again…and it could be your child. It just kept going and going…and I kept reading and reading. I was devastated. I couldn’t even post a response. It was too hard to get my thoughts together. Is that what people thought of me? Did they think I am threat to their children? I would never hurt a child…but I did hurt children…I was party to their murder for 8 years. Do people think it’s the same? Do people think I am a violent person? I didn’t think I was hurting anyone. Only now do I see the hurt I caused. How does someone like me, a former clinic worker, explain this type of discrepancy?

I don’t know if you can…if I can. I’m not sure it needs to be explained. I think we simply need to ask ourselves a question: Do we want clinic workers to leave the abortion industry or not? If we do, then we will just have to understand that there are questions that will be unresolved. There are things that some people will never be able to wrap their head around. We may say things that people don’t understand. We may be insensitive at times. We don’t mean to be. Our hearts are different. You see a picture of an aborted baby and you cry. We see that same picture and we remember how that picture was at one time very real to us. We remember carefully sifting through pieces of tissue until all body parts were accounted for. We remember the smell. We remember the sounds. We were there. It’s not just a picture for us. We can’t cry. The tears just won’t come. There is a part of our heart that is hard…it had to be. It still has to be. We protect ourselves by holding on to that small part of our hardened heart.

I didn’t know I would need to protect myself from the pro-life movement. I didn’t know that little hardened part of my heart would come in handy when dealing with my “own kind.” Friendly fire? It sure doesn’t seem friendly. So, what do these people want? Do they want people to leave the abortion industry? It doesn’t seem like it. Do they want people to turn away from the sin of abortion? It doesn’t feel that way. What do they want from those of us that have left?
You know what we want? Peace. It’s not easy to leave your job, income, friends, stability, insurance, and everything else that is familiar to us. But we do it. Why? Because it is the right thing to do. It’s not easy, but we do it anyway. We know it is a risk. We know we could lose everything…end up in court…everything is uncertain. But we know it is worth the risk. Even with the risk, we feel joy. We have done the right thing and it feels amazing. We feel a sense of peace that we have never felt before. We don’t leave our jobs to please the public. We don’t leave because the public thinks it is wrong. We leave because one day, something snaps and we see the truth. We leave for us. And even though we do our best and we fight the enemy (sometimes publicly) and our lives change in the blink of an eye…for some it is just not good enough. And all we want is peace. We don’t have to please everyone. We don’t want to. But this? Every word scrutinized? Every move analyzed? Every story put under the microscope?

I am pro-life. I am imperfect. I mess up a lot. I love kids. I used to work in an abortion clinic. I have aborted two of my children. My daughter is the most important thing in my life. I have and love tattoos. I try my best to go to church every Sunday. I love to shop. I hate chick-flicks. I can’t explain every part of who I am. I can’t explain all of the mistakes I have made. I can tell you that I will continue to mess up…sometimes I might do it in front of a lot of people. I can’t always give you the answer you want…the answer you are looking for.

But even with the unexpected stress, I am still glad I crossed that line. I would never take it back. Sometimes I think these people who message me want me back in the abortion clinic. It was easier to hate me when I was inside those walls. Is that what we want as pro-lifers? We want to hate people who make the right decision? We want to continue to villianize them? I had hoped we were better than that. I had hoped we respected each other more than that. I had hoped we had more faith in each other.

Are we pro-life, or just pro-birth? Do we only care about the babies, or do we care about everyone involved? If we say we are truly pro-life, then we must desire and yearn for conversion in every clinic worker and abortionist. Their lives are just as important as their children who are aborted. Are we committed to the sanctity of all human life, or just some?