OPERATION CONVERSION 5/28/11 – DR. SOON SOHN.  Dr. Sohn is on the board of an abortion practice and also provides abortions himself up to 22 weeks.  He currently practices in California.   Please commit with me to pray for Dr. Sohn and cover him in prayer every day for 7 days.  This is not a call to contact him or his facility.

**Please post this on your Facebook wall, send to your prayer groups, talk to your minister, post on a prayer chain, or do whatever you can to get this message out. The goal is to have as many people praying for this physician at one time. We know the power of prayer is amazing and can change any heart. Thank you for your commitment!

I want better for my daughter.  I don’t want my daughter to get sucked into the world of Planned Parenthood…to the world of the “women’s reproductive movement”…the idea that abortion is acceptable.  I want her to know that abortion is evil.  I want her to know with 100% certainty that Planned Parenthood is intrinsically evil…no matter what “good” they are doing.  Not only do I want her to KNOW it, I want her to DEFEND it.  I am raising a pro-life apologist…something I was not.  I do not want to raise a statistic.  I want to raise a strong, independent, young woman who is proud to identify as a feminist and pro-life. 

If I want that for my child, should I start teaching her about the benefits of “reproductive choice” while she is still in grade school?  Should I have her go to camps that are partnered with and sponsored by Planned Parenthood?  Should I allow her to spend her allowance money on items and treasures that will go toward Planned Parenthood?  Of course not, right?  That simply wouldn’t make sense.  That would go against everything I just said in my first paragraph, right?  Well, guess what, my friends?  If your beautiful girls are in the Girls Scouts of the United States of America (GSUSA), you are doing just that.  Don’t believe me?  Just listen. 

Nobody loves brochures more than Planned Parenthood.  I mean, they have a brochure for everything!  You can go out and save the world if you will just take a few dozen of their beautifully branded brochures…of course, you can’t find any information on adoption, prenatal care or fetal development…but I digress.  I will never forget the first time I saw a GSUSA logo on the back of one of our brochures.  We had just gotten a new shipment of life-changing (blah) brochures in the mail.  I flipped them over and there it was…Girl Scouts of the United States of America.  Surely this was a brochure about being sexually abstinent, right?  Or about keeping yourself safe from violence.  Nope.  It was about “how to know you are ready for sex.”  Really?  Girl Scouts?  Do Girl Scouts have sex?  That was my immediate thought.  They are supposed to be selling cookies…not having sex.  Wow.  So this is where that cookie money goes.  I didn’t think much about it at the time.  I was, of course, glad to see the collaboration.  NOW, it makes me sick. 

When I left Planned Parenthood, I started to really look into this more carefully.  Did the connection do even deeper?  I couldn’t believe what I found.  I saw a video clip on a morning show of the President of GSUSA stating that they had a “longstanding relationship with Planned Parenthood.”  Really?  Gosh, why weren’t we talking about it???  Then, I found out that some of us were.  I started meeting different people who were very passionate about this issue.  Many of them had been leaders.  Some of them had pulled their girls out of GSUSA.  They had seen, first hand, the corruption inside of GSUSA.  They had seen the partnership between Planned Parenthood and GSUSA.  So, I had to ask…why wasn’t this a bigger deal?  It turns out that they were getting a lot of pushback.  But they were only speaking the truth!  Who doesn’t want to hear the truth??  Hmmm.  You know who their biggest opposition is?  The CHURCH. 

I would like to say that I am surprised, but honestly, I’m not.  Apathy runs rampant in our churches.  It seems to hurt a little more when the church is complicit with the mission of Planned Parenthood and their mission.  How is it that when a member(s) of a church bring evidence to their clergy that a group their church supports is supporting Planned Parenthood, that clergy member refuses to pull support and actually continues to support the program without hesitation??  So, we aren’t pro-life?  So, our church does support Planned Parenthood?  So, our church does support the abortion agenda?  So, our church doesn’t believe in teaching our children to respect their bodies and remain abstinent until marriage?  Because if our churches support Girl Scouts in ANY way, that is EXACTLY what we are saying. 

Some may say “well, we have a really great Girl Scout group here and it is run by wonderful Christian women and none of that funny business happens with our girls.”  Okay.  Go here with me for a minute…

There is a Planned Parenthood clinic in Nowhere, Texas.  They don’t perform any sort of abortion services.  They only provide annual exams, testing, birth control, and counseling.  Oh, and the women there are just the sweetest!  In fact, one of them goes to a church you know right down the street.  In fact, she and your friend are in the same Bible study class.  Your friend just says she is fantastic.  And you know, it’s really okay she works at Planned Parenthood because they don’t actually DO the abortions at her location.  They are just helping women at her center.  Actually, the worker there…she doesn’t even really care for abortion.  I mean, really, as long as she isn’t doing abortions and that center doesn’t do abortions, Planned Parenthood is really an asset to the community!  Now that you think about it, ANY Planned Parenthood that doesn’t provide abortions is really okay.  We should just work to shut down the ones that actually DO the abortion procedures.  Yeah, that’s a better idea. 

So, that’s what we think, right?  NO, NO, NO!!!  We don’t think that!  We don’t just want some Planned Parenthood centers to close down…we want them ALL to go!  Why?  Because the organization as a whole promotes abortion.  It’s the same thing with GSUSA.  GSUSA, as a whole, promotes Planned Parenthood. 

Is it a hard pill to swallow?  Yes.  Does it taste bad as it goes down?  Yep.  No one loves thin mints more than me.  But there are no more cookies in this house.  My daughter will not be a part of GSUSA.  I will not support any curriculum that supports GSUSA. 

Guys, these are our children!!  Our kids…who are young, and impressionable, and vulnerable.  Why take the chance?  Be courageous.  Take a stand.  Be a leader for your children.  Be a leader in your church.  Stand up for our girls.  Stand up for their true rights…for their true self-worth.  Be a true role model.  Show your children what it means to do the RIGHT thing. 

Is it easy to go against the main stream?  Nope.  It is usually not easy to do the right thing.  But doing the right thing is the God thing.  I will pick the God thing over the easy thing any day. 

You know what else?  There is an alternative (there are many actually) to GSUSA.  There is an amazing group called American Heritage Girls.  They are an actual scouting group and they stand up for Christian principles and doing the right thing.  How refreshing!  For more information about getting your young one signed up or starting your own chapter, go to www.ahgonline.org. 

I also want you to know that I am not simply giving out my opinion here.  GSUSA is linked to Planned Parenthood.  There are many groups that are now dedicating their lives to spreading this information.  One of the best links out there with ONLY facts is www.girlscoutswhynot.com. One of the women that run this site was a GSUSA leader for many years.  After learning the truth about the GSUSA/PP connection, she resigned and pulled her daughter out of the group.  She and her family now dedicate their lives to getting the truth out about this terrible link.  Has it been easy?  No.  But she says after she left, it was one of the most “freeing feelings” she has ever felt…just doing the right thing.  They have so much awesome information on their site.  You really need to spend some time checking it all out; reading all of the information they have posted; clicking on all of the links.  You will not be sorry. 

If you care about our next generation, then spread this message.  Send out the website, www.girlscoutswhynot.com.  We say we want better for our kids and our grandkids…now is your turn to make a difference.

OPERATION CONVERSION 5/21/11 – DR. WARREN HERN.  Dr. Hern is considered one of the pioneers in the field of abortion.  He performs abortions up to 36 weeks gestation.  He currently works in the state of Colorado.  Please commit with me to pray for Dr. Hern and cover him in prayer every day for 7 days.  This is not a call to contact him or his facility. 

**Please post this on your Facebook wall, send to your prayer groups, talk to your minister, post on a prayer chain, or do whatever you can to get this message out. The goal is to have as many people praying for this physician at one time. We know the power of prayer is amazing and can change any heart. Thank you for your commitment!

Researchers say you can only maintain intimate relationships with no more than five people at one time.  When I first read this, I wasn’t sure I believed it, but as I started to think about it, it just might be true.  I look back at the different times of my life and try to remember what my friendships looked like, I have always been a social person, but do not quickly let people into the personal parts of my life.  I guess I wasn’t always as cautious as I am now, but once you feel the sting of betrayal from those you love the most, you are not so quick to let your guard down again. 

I was recently hurt by a group of women I considered my friends.  It’s one of those things where you walk up to a dog and the owner says, “You can pet him.  He won’t bite.”  So, you pet the dog…and the dog bites your hand off.  And there you are…one hand missing.  You are bleeding, hurting and wondering why you trusted that guy in the first place…and why you trusted that dog.  You didn’t know that guy, but you trusted him anyway…now you are missing a part of you. 

One of the ladies in the group wrote that probably just extra sensitive because all of my friends at Planned Parenthood betrayed me.  You think??  Yes, I am probably a little sensitive about who I trust.  I am probablly a little worried that I will be betrayed again.  But I didn’t know it was such a burden to ask your friends for honesty and loyalty.  I didn’t realize betrayal was so trendy. 

So, what’s the point in this post? No, I am not in the habit of feeling sorry for myself or throwing pity parties.  This little incident happened a couple days ago and I felt like I would surely find some sort of “Godly knowledge” in the end…I just couldn’t possibly imagine what it would be. 

Then, in my prayer time, God really laid it on me.  He has given me what I need…all that I need.  We all keep wanting more and striving for more – but for me, in this part of my life, God has filled my cup.  I am so completely blessed to have those 5 intimate relationships with people who were brought into my life…entirely by Christ.  I didn’t construct those relationships…He did…which is why they are so fruitful!!  “My 5″  are the people that I love the most in my life.  They are the people I can share my life with – my excitement, my struggles, my faults, my happiness and my sadness.  They are on my team and I am solidly on theirs.  That is what God does!  We struggle to make relationships and friendships work – but we really shouldn’t!  The people that God has placed in our lives will ALWAYS be there, no matter what.  They will not hurt us.  God has brought them to us to help lift us up!!

When God laid this on me, I immediately felt so at peace.  I felt so thankful for “my 5.”  I couldn’t do this work without them…without their prayers…without their support…without their honesty and accountability. 

When we work against evil, we need to have our team in place.  I am so thankful God has constructed mine, and has now taught me this lesson. 

I pray you have found your 5.  When you do, it will be an unbreakable team!!

“The Lord will give strength to His people; The Lord will bless His people with people with peace.” Psalm 29:11

OPERATION CONVERSION 5/14/11 – DR. STEVE LICHTENBERG. Dr. Lichtenberg is an abortion author, owner of a private clinic, chair of the medical committee for PPFA, & heads up student teaching at a medical school.  He frequently presents on “risk assessment” although several patients have died under his care.  Dr. Lichtenberg performs abortions up to 23.5 weeks in the state of IL.  Please commit to pray for him every day for the next 7 days. 

**Please post this on your Facebook wall, send to your prayer groups, talk to your minister, post on a prayer chain, or do whatever you can to get this message out. The goal is to have as many people praying for this physician at one time. We know the power of prayer is amazing and can change any heart. Thank you for your commitment!

OPERATION CONVERSION 5/7/11 – DR. PAUL FINE. Dr. Fine is the medical director for the largest abortion clinic in the U.S. He serves as one of the lead faculty at Baylor (Baptist) College of Medicine. He is well known & respected in the community & often keeps his affiliation with PP hidden.  Dr. Fine performs abortions up to 16 weeks in the state of TX.  Please commit to pray for Dr. Fine every day for the next 7 days.  This is not a call to contact him or his facility.

**Please post this on your Facebook wall, send to your prayer groups, talk to your minister, post on a prayer chain, or do whatever you can to get this message out. The goal is to have as many people praying for this physician at one time. We know the power of prayer is amazing and can change any heart. Thank you for your commitment!

I don’t usually wear high heels.  I don’t like bunions and I am not fond of back problems.  I try to take good care of my feet…I use them every day.  I use them much more now than I did two years ago…and for much more important work. 

I have never wanted a job where I sat behind a desk.  When I worked at Planned Parenthood, I didn’t do much sitting.  I loved working with the patients.  I liked walking around the clinic and working in different areas.  I like to move around and be involved in my work.  I could never work in a cubicle.  I need to have constant interaction with people.  I would wear out tennis shoes in just a few months when I worked at Planned Parenthood; so much walking around. 

Then I made the most important walk ever; the walk over to the Coalition for Life.  The walk that would change my life forever.  The walk that changed me from a pro-abortion radical to a pro-life advocate.  It was a short walk…but a huge step.  I look at my feet and where they have been and where they go now, and I can’t believe the difference a couple of years makes. 

My shoes used to walk around an abortion clinic all day. 

They would walk in and out of rooms where I would coerce women into having abortions. 

They would walk in the recovery room so I could console a young woman whose abortion had just been completed.  They would then walk out with a few tears on them. 

They would walk into an exam room where a woman was having an abortion.  They would stand still and take the pressure of my feet bearing down on them as the patient gripped my hand to help alleviate her discomfort.  They would walk out with a stain of blood on them. 

They would walk into the front office at the end of the day so I could help count the thousands of dollars that we collected that day…money from the death of children.

They would then walk very quickly out to my car.  They would walk briskly past the people who are praying for the woman who wears these shoes.  Those people who were praying didn’t know that one day those same shoes would end up in their own office.  They didn’t know that one day those shoes and that woman would be standing out in that same grass with them…praying for the other women that walk around inside that abortion clinic. 

I didn’t know then that my feet would be walking in and out of pregnancy centers.  I didn’t know that they would be standing and praying outside of abortion clinics.  I didn’t know they would be standing on stages talking about my life inside the abortion industry.  Yes, I am glad my feet helped take me across the street to the right side of the fence.  I am glad my feet are planted on the side of life. 

The Bible talks about being the “hands and feet of Christ.”  I can’t think of a better way to use those hands and feet that God has given us than saving the lives of the children He has created.  Use your feet.  Use your hands.  Plant your feet outside of an abortion clinic.  Pray for those workers who walk around those abortion clinics…you never know when those workers might plant their feet next to yours.

My friends give me hard time because I can’t just ever be still.  I am always multi-tasking.  I have become really good at it.  If I am driving, I am talking on the phone, or putting on make-up, or both.  If I am watching television, I am on the computer.  If I am working a crossword puzzle, I am listening to music on my ipod.  I just can’t stop.  It’s like my mind has to be in overload all of the time.  I hate going to movie theaters…2 hours of sitting still drives me insane.  The only time I seem to be able to settle my brain is when I am reading.  And for me to really concentrate on the book, it has to be really good.  All of my friends and family say that I am addicted to my Blackberry (crackberry)…and I am.  I always feel like I need to be connected.  I just can’t shut the world out…I can’t shut my mind off.  I try to go to Adoration and I am absolutely miserable.  I can’t spend more than 15 minutes in silent prayer. Pretty pathetic, huh?  I start watching everyone else in the chapel.  What are they praying about?  How they can sit and be so still for so long?  What are they doing after this?  Have I seen them at Mass before?  I mean, it is terrible! 

I guess I have always been that way.  Although, I think since I left Planned Parenthood, my multi-tasking has gotten worse.  It is probably in part because even though I didn’t think it was possible, my life has gotten even busier than it was before.  But, yes, it is also probably because if I don’t have a lot on my mind, my thoughts wander back to my days at Planned Parenthood.  And honestly, I try to think of my time there at little as possible.  But even when I don’t want to think about it, my mind still won’t shut it out. 

I love the nights when I have dreamless sleep.  Those nights don’t come very often.  I used to dream about silly things; going on vacations, inanimate objects that would come to life, replay scenes from when I was younger, etc.  I would welcome dreams like that.  There is nothing silly about my dreams anymore.  Now I dream about my time at Planned Parenthood.  I dream about the things I saw there, the things I said, the things I heard. I dream about former co-workers every night.  Sometimes the dreams aren’t too stressful.  I might be back working at the clinic: in these dreams, I am working there but really struggling because I am pro-life but working in an abortion clinic.  Sometimes I dream about being back in court and watching my friends testify against me.  Sometimes in these dreams I get to actually take the stand and testify against Planned Parenthood.  Those dreams become very emotional. 

Then there are others.  Many that I wouldn’t even be able to speak about to the general public.  They are so gory and disgusting…when I wake up, I can’t even believe that my brain produced such a thing.  Sometimes I have dreams where I am working in the POC lab and we are short twenty five cents.  We all start frantically looking for that quarter.  I look over to my left and there is the bucket of “POC” or baby parts that we have disposed of throughout the day and wonder if maybe the quarter got dropped in the bucket.  I am then told to start searching in the bucket.  I keep digging through these babies to find the missing quarter.  That seems totally bizarre and disgusting, right? Trust me, that is mild.  Sometimes I dream about baby parts being placed in the offering plate at church. 

I know there are psychological explanations for all of my dreams.  Of course I would dream about searching for money in a bucket of baby parts…Planned Parenthood is making money off the killing of these children.  Of course I would dream about baby parts being in the church offering plate…I always talk about churches not taking a stand against abortion.  But these dreams aren’t normal for most people.  Most people don’t dream about aborted babies.  But some of us do. 

I remember when I first left Planned Parenthood, I hated going to sleep.  I would feel more exhausted after waking up because my dreams were so terrifying…I felt like I was up racing around all night in my sleep.  Eventually, they got better and I was able to deal with the dreams more effectively and they did lessen a little bit. 

Anxiety is something I knew I would have to deal with.  I didn’t know how I would react when I saw people I used to work with.  How would they react to me?  What if I saw a client?  What if I saw a client that I had coerced into an abortion?  What would she say to me?  What would I say to her?  All of these things were constantly going through my mind until, eventually, I was faced with all of those scenarios.  I have been faced with many of my former co-workers…sometimes when I am out sidewalk counseling; sometimes when I am out in public places.  I simply greet them like we are still friends.  After all, my problem is not with them.  I have seen women that were frequent clients of Planned Parenthood.  They all knew I had left because they saw my commercial on TV.  It was great to see them again.  I don’t know why I was anxious about that at all.  And, yes, I have seen women that I coerced into abortions.  I didn’t know how I would face them.  I wasn’t sure if I had the courage.  But in the end, I knew they deserved it.  Even if they wanted to slap my face or scream at me for what I had done to them, they deserved that chance.  But, that didn’t happen.  I simply looked at them and said that “I was wrong and I’m so sorry.” It was better than I ever expected.  Now I don’t worry about who I will encounter.  I know that whoever or whatever it is, God is in control.  He has been in control since the day I walked out of Planned Parenthood. 

Some of you may be reading these posts and say to yourself, ‘that girl needs healing!’ But trust me, I am doing great.  I don’t need any more healing than I am already receiving…and yes, I am in good hands. 

When you leave such a horrible sin behind, there is no escaping it.  You want to and you try to, but it just tags along.  Yes, those of us who have worked in the abortion industry are forgiven if we ask.  And I have, as much as I can, forgiven myself…I won’t ever let myself off the hook entirely.  I can’t.  I can’t just allow myself to go on with life and act like I wasn’t responsible for taking so many lives.  And maybe that’s why the dreams are there…so I won’t forget. 

No matter the reason, I am thankful for these visions in my sleep.  Yes, it would be nice to have a few additional nights of dreamless sleep every month, but I am not complaining.  I wake up from these dreams reminded of the second chance I have been given.  I wake up and immediately say a prayer for my former co-workers (who are always in my dream).  I wake up thankful that I am no longer bound by evil.  Many would think these are nightmares.  I think that, in part, God is using these images and scenes as a tool to keep me close to Him, so I will never forget what I left…and how amazingly lucky I am.  Thank you God for the reminder.

My uterus is currently empty.  But is hasn’t always been.  It has been full of life three times.  However, I have only given birth once.  I have aborted two of my own children.  I didn’t think long and hard about the decision to abort my children.  I wish I could say I did…but that would be untrue.  I wonder if my first child was a boy or a girl…what about my second?  My daughter talks about having brothers…could she be talking about the children I have aborted?  I hope that when I meet God in heaven, he will grant me the opportunity to see my two children…to hold them for the first time…to be their mother.  I don’t deserve that opportunity, but I pray that God will show me mercy and allow me just a few moments with them. 

I thought it would be easy.  I thought I would never think about them again.  I thought I would always be proud of my decision to abort. I used to be proud of my abortions.  I thought I was exercising my “right to choose.”  I didn’t see that I had killed my children.  I couldn’t see it.  If I did, then I would have to own up to the truth.  I would have to admit my mistake. 

I look at my 4 year old daughter now and wonder if my children would have looked like her.  I wonder if they would have been stubborn and hard headed like me.  I don’t know…I won’t ever know.  How many “I love yous” have I missed?  How many good night kisses have been lost because of my decision?  How many people have been hurt because of my choice?

My parents didn’t know until it was too late.  That wasn’t fair.  The rest of my family didn’t know.  My friends didn’t know.  I never gave anyone a chance to help me…to give me sound counsel.  I didn’t want it.  I must have thought I knew what was best…but honestly, I don’t remember much about it at all. 

I had my first abortion when I was 20; only 10 years ago.  But it feels like it was 50 years ago.  That memory is so foggy.  I try so hard to remember that day.  I want to remember.  How old was my baby?  What was the name of the clinic?  What did the doctor look like?  What did the nurse’s face look like?  How long was I there?  Did I talk to the other girls who were waiting to have an abortion?  I just don’t remember.  Is God protecting me from that memory?  I wish He wouldn’t.  I want to remember.  I just remember that it was easy…it shouldn’t be so easy to kill your child. 

My second abortion was not so easy, but it didn’t convince me that abortion was wrong…it just convinced me that MEDICATION abortion was wrong.  I was a strong advocate for all women choosing surgical abortion over medication abortion.  It actually became a joke in my clinic.  Abortion became a joke…disgusting. 

When I got pregnant with Grace, it was unplanned.  I was not excited.  After all, I was on birth control.  I wasn’t supposed to happen.  My friends in the clinic said I “had options.”  But there were no options for me.  I was going to have a baby…planned or unplanned…money or no money.  I look back and am so glad I didn’t listen to those “friends.”  I don’t know how I could live without my daughter.  She means everything to me.  But as I say that, I realize that I am living without two of my other children.  What a selfish life I have lived. 

After Grace was born, I immediately had a Mirena IUD inserted.  Why not?  We inserted them on women every day.  They seemed harmless.  Everyone was getting one…I should, too.  I didn’t know how harmful that little piece of plastic would be.  I know now. 

Four years later and my uterus is still empty.  Not by choice…but because of my choices.  Because I was not open to life.  Because I thought children were a burden.  Because I thought having too many children would be a hassle.  Because I thought we wouldn’t have enough money to have more children.  All of these excuses have lead to my daughter growing up as an only child.  At this point in my life, I can’t have children.  I never thought I would have a problem getting pregnant.  After all, I got pregnant with two children that I disposed of like trash.  Now when I want children, I can’t have them.  What a horrible irony…but one that, in all honesty, I deserve. 

I don’t know what God’s plans are for my life regarding motherhood.  I do know that my husband and I are going to adopt children from the foster care system.  Maybe that was His plan all along.  We never know what God has in store for our lives, but I am thankful for the life that I have now.  I am thankful for my husband and my daughter. 

I have confidence that one day I will get to see my children again…even if just for a brief moment.  I know they are with Christ.  He created them…he saved them from me. 

It is beautiful to know that God has forgiven me…even for something so terrible.  When I made the decision to start healing from my abortions, I knew I had to make a decision.  I could either live in the past, or live for right now.  One of my daughter’s favorite movies is “Kung Fu Panda.”  In the movie, there is a wise old turtle that says something that has always stuck with me (I know…wisdom from a cartoon).  He says something like, “Today is called the present because it is a gift.”  I really believe that.  I sincerely think that evil lives in our past and in our future…the two places we cannot control.  God doesn’t worry about those two periods of time.  He wants us to wake up every day and live for Him…moment by moment…day by day.  I trust in that.  I trust in God’s plan for my life. 

I don’t know if I will have any more children of my own.  I don’t pray for children…I pray for God’s will.

I never had the honor of talking to Dr. Bernard Nathanson.  But someone told me once that he asked Dr. Nathanson about his remorse after performing thousands of abortions.  Many of us that have once been in the abortion industry are frequently criticized for our public “lack of remorse.”  Dr. Nathanson explained to this man that if he actually allowed himself to feel the depth of his remorse, he wouldn’t be able to live with the pain.  I would say that is pretty accurate for most of us who have once lived and walked in those hallways of evil.  I’m not sure my heart would take the pain if I really allowed myself to feel what I had done. 

Have you ever watched one of those crime shows where they interview a prisoner who murdered someone?  I recently saw one about a man who had killed a young woman.  He had since become a Christian while in prison and the remorse for the life he had taken was so evident.  He could hardly even talk about her.  It was difficult for him to maintain his composure.  Well, imagine that type of remorse times thousands and thousands.  We were serial killers of the worst kind…we killed children. 

Then one day, after years of living in foolishness and evil, we turn it around.  We swallow our pride and admit we were wrong.  We lose our friends, we are called names, we start over…but we know it is worth it.  It is not easy, but it is right.  We repent from our sin and we feel a sense of peace and joy that has never been in our heart before…but there is brokenness, too…and a stinging feeling of remorse that won’t leave.  I remember wondering if the brokenness and remorse would ever lessen.  Would it ever leave?  It doesn’t.  It is a constant reminder of who you were and what you have done.  But now, I am thankful for the reminder…it keeps me focused, passionate, and most of all, praying. 

For some of us, we go on to have normal 9-5 jobs and live our lives in the privacy of family and friends.  Some of us live our lives in the public.  I know I am called to work full time in the fight.  I didn’t know that at first, but God revealed that to me in a pretty big way…thanks to Planned Parenthood’s media release.  For those of us whose conversions are public, many look at us as heroes.  But we are not…I am not.  How could we be?  We look around us and see people who have been fighting in this movement for years; they are heroes.  We are criminals.  We deserve punishment, not awards.  We deserve to be cast out, not accepted.  We don’t deserve forgiveness, but we seem to get it anyway. 

Every day of my life I think about the women I took from.  I took away their motherhood, I devalued them, I broke their confidence, I betrayed them.  How I wish I could look into every one of their faces and tell them how sorry I am.  If I could restore some of what I took from them, I would give my life to make it happen.  I wish I could be there to wipe their tears when they mourn for their lost child.  To know that you committed a terrible wrong that you can’t make right is one of the most desperate feelings in the world.  And as desperate as I feel, I can’t make those wishes come true.  But I do my best everyday to make it up to those women and their children.  I failed them once, but I won’t do it again.  I know they haven’t forgotten their children, and I haven’t either. 

For the lives I have taken, ‘I’m sorry’ just seems hollow to even say.  How do you apologize for killing thousands of children and wounding thousands of families?  I’m not sure I have an answer.  But I AM sorry.  I am sorry to the women I coerced into abortion.  I am sorry to every woman who has ever had an abortion; you may never hear those words from the person who performed your abortion, but I want you to hear it from me on behalf of that doctor or clinic worker.  I am sorry they betrayed you.  I am sorry they broke your spirit and your trust.  I am sorry they hurt you.  I am sorry they didn’t have the courage to stand up for you and what you really deserved…a chance to be a mother to your child.  We abused and disrespected you in the worst possible way.  I am sorry.  So many people probably disappointed you…your friends, your family, your church community, your coworkers, maybe others.  I apologize on behalf of them, as well.  I am guilty of selling abortion to my family, friends, coworkers, and even people I worship with.  We should have stood up for you and your child.  I am so sorry we let you down in the worst possible way.  You deserved better than what we gave you. 

The extent of my remorse, sorrow and grief runs very deep.  I could never even begin to share it all with you on a blog.  I’m not even sure I am aware of how deep it runs.  But it is there…reminding me of the life I once had and how hard I must now work. 

I am only able to handle the pain of my past with the help of Christ.  I couldn’t do any of this without His grace and His steady hand guiding me every day.  He has never given me more than I can bear.  I have never felt overwhelmed.  I see His love and compassion for me everywhere I look.  It is the most amazing feeling of peace and wholeness.  I don’t have to wonder if He’s with me…I know He is…guiding my every step. 

I am a BIG sinner.  I am far from a perfect pro-lifer.  I would say I am a mediocre Christian.  I am definitely not the best wife and no one has nominated me for “Mother of the Year.”  I always fail at having a perfect day, but I keep trying.  I guess I want you to know that I am working so hard to make things right.  I can’t take away the pain I have caused.  But I can promise to dedicate my life and my heart to this movement.  I won’t ever give up on these children.  My heart is here and it is healing.